It's Been A Long A Time

I'm watching Assault in the Ring on HBO and thinking about being here in Philly. I miss New York and feel totally out of place here. There's a sense of superiority and insecurity. I feel like this place is nothing but a den of drug users and recovering addicts. They all have tattoos on the top of their wrists, font and writing, names of their children and lovers and girlfriend and boyfriends. You cannot go down the street without seeing it. I just think everyone I see is tacky. The woman are fat which I find unappealing and pathetic. The way you have to buy beer and wine is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. My old boss "Mama KK" said that me moving here was like a "big fish in a small pond." Then we have one of the ladies that I work with who asked me where I shopped because the way I dress is much nicer (and more expensive looking)than anyone else who works there at Keystone. Saying something like that only adds fuel to the fire.
Then there's the other side. Because in my mind there is this "superiority" thought going on, I look around and see that I'm not like these people. I feel awkward and removed and it isn't racial. It's everyone, Center City, University City, Chester, wherever.
I feel like I have been here for three weeks (I guess) and I have thrown myself into work and into fixing up the apartment. I've been dealing with the everything in a better way than I would if I were in NY. I would have been rampaging self-destruction. Now I'm realizing how afraid I am. Because of that fear, I'm not willing to go out in Philly. Not yet. The apartment is my happy place but then what. I feel like I'm denying myself who I am...well a part of who I am.
I was living with such guilt. I had to work through it in some way.
Holy shit. I realize I'm surrounded by drug addicts ALL DAY. I'm gonna need to chill out and create a life here.
There's nothing for me in NY anymore besides good people and memories.